Post Mortem

It's already over. 7 days. More than 35 hours of travelling. More than 20 hours  of driving.

Did I do all I wanted to? Hell no.
Did I see everyone I wanted do? I wish.
Did I have a good time? You bet!

Yet, I couldn't get on the plane fast enough to get out.

It's so hard feeling like you're a tourist in your own home. My room is empty. My car's seat has been readjusted. People are lost. The streets are different. Athens feels foreign.

But I thought I am foreign...

What's the aftertaste of all this?
I know there will always be a place for me to hide away to.
I know my friends will always be there no matter what.
But I also know there are things that will never be the same.

In my head? That is a good thing.

Feelings about going home

+1 I get to drive again
+1 I'm going to the beach!
+1 I'll eat a real gyro
+1 I'll go to playhouse
+1 Shopping!
+1 I'll drink a nice big fat freddo
+1 I'll get a haircut!
+1 I'm going to a wedding I've been waiting for a long time to happen
+1 The annual family water-wars extravaganza

-1 No 3G
-1 No 5G either
-1 Dealing with the embassy
-1 I'll miss the boat cruise
-1 No kissing bunnies that are meant for hugging too
-1 Using almost all my vacation days
-1 No daily game of pool

Well that's all I can come up with right now, I'm pretty sure there are more but at least it's a positive outcome! :)

Oh no...

I would have never guessed making a cake could have been so much fun! 

Somewhere between:

making a mess out of my kitchen, 

making 10 times more ganache than I was ever going to need and trying to mix it with my tiny hand held mixer,

coloring gum-paste like it's play-doh,

trying to cut circles of cakes and tasting the yummy crumbs,

rolling fondant and seeing it fall apart when I tried to pick it up, 

modeling a hot air balloon that could hold its weight, 

putting it all together while thinking of the smile on his face,

... I think I found a new hobby! 

Instant Fix

I know it's cheezy, but how could I resist? They're so freaking adorable!

Is it worth even trying?

Assumptions:

We're on this stupid planet not because we chose to but because shit happens.
We're not alone on this planet and that was not by choice either.
We end up interacting with people, sometimes by choice sometimes by fate, sometimes cause there's nothing good on TV and wth it can't be that bad (*evil laugh*)
At the end of the day we're responsible for making something or nothing out of this time spend consciously on this planet.

Our life is in our hands. As in: my life is in my hands and your life is in your hands. There's no magic here. No mix-up. No sharing. If I choose to make myself happy by making you happy that's my choice, my privilege and my responsibility. But if I decide to do so, I might just as well verify that what ever the hell I'm doing does make you happy after all. Maybe you don't even want to be happy with me and you're perfectly content with the little shithole I believe you put yourself into. Is it my problem? No. Should I come to the rescue? No. Why? Cause it's your freaking life and you can do whatever you want with it. I can't fix it unless I'm fixing it the way you want me to. Is that too hard a concept to grasp?

I don't wanna play God. I don't want to be treated like one. I wanna have my peace of mind knowing that my life is how I want it to be and it's safe from people who want to fix it. Thank you very much but no thanx. I'm a big girl and I know what I want out of it. And I know better than you. and you. and you. And yes, even you mom. Cause I am the one going to bed with me every night, and I'm the only one that knows if I fall asleep with a smile on my face or not. And I do. And that's cause I've been trying to get my life to a place where everything around me fills me up with joy and satisfaction. Mind you, that is *my* life. Not yours. Not his. Not hers. Definitely not ours.

I stay out of peoples lives when they want me to.
I stay out of peoples lives when I want to.
I stay out of peoples lives when there is no good in me being part of them.
And I expect people to stay out of my life when they have nothing to do with it.
My life. My rules.

Last night I dreamt

So tell me how long before the last one?
And tell me how long before the right one...

Don't understand...

1. Why songs are always right
2. Why it looks like I'm always wrong
3. Why people chage
4. Why you won't admit what you really feel
5. Why I feel I have to lie to make people happy
6. Why being happy is so bad
7. Why common sense is rare... even though it's common...

Sometimes you just want to scream!

I'm happy with my life!
I'm happy with my job!
I'm happy with my family!
I'm happy with my friends!
I'm happy with my city!
I'm happy with the weather!
I'm happy with my shoes!
I'm happy with my looks!
I'm happy with you!

I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy!

Άμα δεν σε θέλει...

Πάνω που λέω να ηρεμήσω, να το παίξω άνετη, κυρία και να φτάσω σε μία κατάσταση ζεν βρε παιδάκι μου, τσουπ, να τα πάλι τα υπογλώσσια.

Και το σπαστικό είναι ότι είμαι απλός θεατής. Και προς την μία κατεύθυνση και προς την άλλη. Πάλι καλά που η παλινδρόμηση έχει μεγάλη περίοδο γιατί θα με πιάσει και καμία ναυτία. Βέβαια στην γενική ανακατωσούρα βοηθάνε και διάφορες άλλες πληροφορίες που βρίσκουν τον δρόμο τους, αλλά έχω στήσει τα φίλτρα μου και αρνούμαι να επεξεργαστώ οτιδήποτε στερείται σοβαρότητας. Λίγο πολύ τα πάντα δηλαδή. Σκάω καναδυό χαμόγελα και ξεμπερδεύω.

Εκεί λοιπόν που ξύπνησα ένα πρωί και λέω βρε για δες που όλα καλά θα πάνε, μπορεί ναι να μην θρηνήσουμε θύματα τελικά (και γω εξεπλάγην η αλήθεια είναι) ξυπνάω ένα άλλο πρωί και μου ανεβαίνει το αίμα στο κεφάλι ως συνήθως. Δεν θέλω όμως βρε αδερφέ. Αλλά δεν φταίω κιόλας. Φταίνε τα ρημάδια τα pixel και τα μεταφορικά.

Που θα μου πάει όμως. Νά'ναι καλά οι καμήλες και τα καραβάνια και χαλάλι. Αλλά να πω ότι καταλαβαίνω... δεν καταλαβαίνω. Φαίνεται πως το να στερείς πράγματα από ανθρώπους που τα θέλουν, ακόμα και αν εσένα σου είναι παντελώς άχρηστα, έχει κάποια αξία.

Σε τι νόμισμα? Σε χαιρέκακα μυρμήγκια.

Suprises

Some times you love them, some times you hate them. And there's no contradiction here. When your reality gets shaked by something you weren't expecting you just question everything all over again. That's when you wish you could be left alone for good. Will there ever be a remedy or is my search for Po's inner peace in vain?

Things I like about my job

1. I get to walk there. Yup. Walk. As in using my feet. And it only takes 15 minutes. And it feels great! Ok, pending it doesn't rain...
2. I don't have to clean, peel, cut my fruit. They're there waiting for me.
3. I can gaze upon the city for high above. Just the way I like it - things look nice when you're at a safety distance.
4. People smile. And laugh. And joke. And help you out.  And you know what else they do? they RTMFs. Allofthem.
5. I can be as geeky and goofy and silly as I want without being judged. It's actually kinda like a pre-req around here.
6. No.Freaking.Paperwork. It's a dream come true!
7. I get to play around with new stuff and call it work. Too bad I can't really tell anybody about them thought.
8. I can tell people what I do and be proud of it. Like, really! :)

Lessons Learned

Inspired by reddit I'm thinking I should introduce a new type of posts: "Today I Learned..."

Things happen and almost everyday you think that you've learnt something important about yourself, others, life in general. The problem is that most of the time those things get pushed back in the little dusty corners of your mind and you eventually... forget.

That would totally be ok if you ask me, but most of the time Life and her little friend Murphy have their own plans. They will find the most awesome ways to remind you of what you should have already known and, although I have no proof, I'm pretty sure they are having one hell of a time watching you bang your head against the wall every single time.

Could I possibly outsmart them? We'll see. But at least I will have some way of remembering how I've felt before... Now the next question to answer is "do I really want to?"...

Things that make me feel better

1. Ice cream with millions of different toppings
2. Boardgames @Play
3. Finding sneaky bugs
4. Hoping in my car and just driving. Anywhere.
5. Going to the movies with a huge amount of popcorn and soda
6. Shopping for shoes (preferably in London - sorry Pittsburgh)
7. Sketching in a sunny room while chatting with Ririna
8. Drinking a Freddo by the sea; playing tavli goes with that one too
9. Hearing from people I didn't expect to remember I exist
10. Doing something silly that makes somebody smile
11. Cleaning and tidying up (that actually requires being quite annoyed)
12. Dreaming of flying.
13. Making pretty things out of the weirdest materials (still haven't made that necklace out of an old CPU I kept)
14. Waking up in the morning and not having to do anything.
15. Realizing someone is actually paying attention to what I say.
16. Listening to old favorite songs and just singing along
17. Writing. Anything, even if there is no one there to read it.
18. Dressing up and liking what I see in the mirror. Yes, heals are mandatory.
19. Getting tickled. Probably cause it makes me feel like my smile is important for someone.
20. Round numbers, heh!

You have been approved!

No one admits to it, but deep inside we all seek approval for our actions and choices. From the smallest things, like which shoes to wear, to the most important ones, like getting a job or moving in with the one you love, we always feel the need for some external sanity check.

"Does that make sense or am I totally blinded?"

Well, I have one thing to say. Suspecting you're right about something is quite cool, but having the entire universe signaling that you're making the right choice is pretty damn awesome!

Bad Ideas

I need to make a list of all the things I shouldn't do.
More precisely I need to make a list of the things I shouldn't do again.

It's amazing how strong we think we are. How logical, how mature. And then at the first temptation we cave in to our inner instincts and usually end up hurt. Again. I wonder how many times it will take before I realize that some things are just bad for me. I guess deep inside I'm just hoping for that one time when things will be different and reality wont justify my darker thoughts. After all the main principle is quite simple. Past is past. The word itself tells you all you need to know. It will always be there but its meant to be left behind. It's importance is only the one we attach to it, but in all seriousness, how could you possibly ignore it? How can you pretend it doesn't tell you more about the people you know now but you didn't use to know before? How can you detach yourself and accept reality as something uncorrelated to the it?
I wish I could do that, things would be so much easier. And mind you, that comes from a person that tries to just live and do the minimum amount of thinking. I just happen to find it extremely difficult to remain unaffected or even process things with reason. I'm tempted to say that's what happens when you're emotionally involved with people.

In any case i don't know how to fix this. Hopefully smiling will scare the ghosts away.